Alone again, naturally
The following was written a couple of weeks ago, when Barney and Rachy were in Spain and I was at home. Having spent a few days over there with them I came back to the empty house. Contrary to expectation I didn’t go out every night or particularly enjoy the opportunity to watch Smallville, Reaper and The Sarah Connor Chronicles, it was just a bit lonely. Thanks goodness I’d bought a Nintendo DS at the airport to genuinely waste some time mindlessly!
When I left them in my sister-in-law’s flat in Barcelona I wasn’t sure what to tell Barney to explain why I wasn’t going to be around for the next 5 days so I told him I was going to work for a few days. He may not know what work is – and won’t until he is old enough to read Richard Scarry’s “What Do People Do All Day” as I did when I was little – but he’s used to hearing it when we say goodbye to him for the day, so I thought that would be okay. And in truth I wasn’t expecting him to be too sad since he was spending time with his mum, his aunties and in particular his cousins who he adores. He and Tita (one year older) play well and seem to be on the same wavelength but Ollie, getting on for 7, is pretty much a superhero in his eyes. And there are of course two new babies to prod. Welcome Isobel and !
So all fine, except for me who was miserable at leaving them. And then Rachy reported their conversations that evening
“Daddy’s gone to work.” He said, apropros of nothing and when Rach asked if he wanted the Barney Song – the traditional final step of the night-time ritual he said No because “We need Daddy for the Barney Song. Daddy’s not here.”
Sigh.
Now, you can be objective about these things and think that if he was at home I would only see him for a couple of hours a day during the week anyway. While that is true he seems to develop so quickly when we spend long, concentrated spells with him. It’s hard to be objective about missing that, missing his developing personality.
Which made me think it was overdue time I wrote something about Barney’s personality.
Chris (my brother, for new readers of…ah, never mind) commented a while ago that he wasn’t sure how much of Iris’ behaviour was her unique personality and how much was just the way that toddlers are. It’s an interesting question I think and like horoscopes do you just see the bits you agree with, or want to agree with as good character traits and ignore the ones that don’t fit , or consider them as one-off examples of bad behaviour? Do you attribute more meaning than is appropriate to nuances and subtleties of behaviour that might not signify anything, just as you do to a newborn baby? Or alternatively are those nuances genuine signs of an emergent personality which, although anyone other than the parent wouldn’t spot, are none the less real for that. In an unusually non-sceptical tack I have to admit that I do think there is a fully formed personality there already – and has been for a while.
If it’s hard to pin down what those traits are then that’s okay – I’ve always thought the better you know someone the less sure you can be how they will react in a given situation because real personalities are a lot more subtle and complex than movie archetypes, and if you know someone very well you can see the possibility of them responding in more than one way.
Still, a few aspects of Barney’s personality I think we’ve spotted:
He’s quite stubborn
Now, he rarely shouts and cries to get his way but he does remain resolute and immovable. On the question of food and how much he’s going to eat I think we have to trust him rather than make meal-times arenas for angst. He’ll look you in the eye while he eats mayonnaise or ketchup with his fingers, like a decadent Roman, daring you to challenge him but wanting to show you how bored he is by the very idea of our petty bourgeois manners.
Can be Introverted
While all toddlers need a break from noise and fuss to not get worn out or crazed I think Barney’s limits with people are reached quicker than others – more than lots of kids we know I’d say he likes a bit of private time.
“I play by myself now.”
Partly it’s shyness as when he feels like one of the gang, and welcome, he can be a leader, sometimes even bossy but he tends to be wary about getting involved. From a very young age he was always more reticent than other kids about joining in with dancing and group games so I think it’s a genuine aspect of his personality. Me and Rach are both a bit introverted so the way he acts seems very familiar to us both – and since he was like that from so young it’s hard to imagine that it is learned behaviour. Generally, he takes his time to get used to people – once he knows someone well then he plays really freely with them. And we know from his nursery report that in large noisy groups he doesn’t always speak up with answers, even when the carers know he knows the answer – but in smaller groups he is much bolder. Rach thinks he’s like her and doesn’t enjoy being the centre of attention. If you don’t believe me you try singing karaoke to her at in public. And in fact if I sing a non-nursery rhyme Barney usually says “Stop it, daddy!” too. So there may be something in it.
..But he likes to involve others
He’s a curious mix – although I’ve said he has a touch of the introvert there are lots of things he enjoys more if others are involved and I think it comes from not wanting others to miss out on something good. Even when he was only 1-and-a-bit at food times at the nursery he would say “Come on, come on” and impatiently motion the other kids to join him at the table.
He is apparently usually first to the table too and it has been pointed out to me that greed could be the reason for both these things, for which the finger of blame tends to land on me (but I’m not sure as I wouldn’t give anyone else a chance at the buffet until I’d had a fairly comprehensive sweep).
Funny
He loves to make people laugh! His best joke is falling over, in ways which have become increasingly “dynamic” (by which I mean “frightening for a parent to watch”) as he’s gotten older and better coordinated. He gets a lot of mileage out of this with the girls at nursery and does it to entertain himself at home (falling backwards off his small chair onto the sofa, for example) but his other speciality is facial expressions: peering out from under his mop, frowning for no reason and generally displaying superb comic timing.
So these are some of the things I’m missing the chance to observe for a week, and it feels like a long week. The real Barney you only get to know when you spend time with him and maybe a list, an index of personality traits, doesn’t capture that properly but like the Turing test for machine intelligence I think when the signs are all there you have to concede it’s a real, distinct personality. You have to trust your subjective judgement and I know that during this week I’m missing all sorts of tricks, all sorts of laughs and funny faces, and all sorts of great achievements, like climbing up the steps of the slide all by himself. I’m glad Rach is getting to spend some quality time with him and Barney with her, so that’s good but when it comes to being rational and thinking I’m not missing more than a few hours, it’s really a week with a funny little boy who we’re stating to get to know really well.
Why would you want to be objective about that?
Ah well. Back to dinner for one. And I really must get the place tidied up before the gang get home.
When I left them in my sister-in-law’s flat in Barcelona I wasn’t sure what to tell Barney to explain why I wasn’t going to be around for the next 5 days so I told him I was going to work for a few days. He may not know what work is – and won’t until he is old enough to read Richard Scarry’s “What Do People Do All Day” as I did when I was little – but he’s used to hearing it when we say goodbye to him for the day, so I thought that would be okay. And in truth I wasn’t expecting him to be too sad since he was spending time with his mum, his aunties and in particular his cousins who he adores. He and Tita (one year older) play well and seem to be on the same wavelength but Ollie, getting on for 7, is pretty much a superhero in his eyes. And there are of course two new babies to prod. Welcome Isobel and !
So all fine, except for me who was miserable at leaving them. And then Rachy reported their conversations that evening
“Daddy’s gone to work.” He said, apropros of nothing and when Rach asked if he wanted the Barney Song – the traditional final step of the night-time ritual he said No because “We need Daddy for the Barney Song. Daddy’s not here.”
Sigh.
Now, you can be objective about these things and think that if he was at home I would only see him for a couple of hours a day during the week anyway. While that is true he seems to develop so quickly when we spend long, concentrated spells with him. It’s hard to be objective about missing that, missing his developing personality.
Which made me think it was overdue time I wrote something about Barney’s personality.
Chris (my brother, for new readers of…ah, never mind) commented a while ago that he wasn’t sure how much of Iris’ behaviour was her unique personality and how much was just the way that toddlers are. It’s an interesting question I think and like horoscopes do you just see the bits you agree with, or want to agree with as good character traits and ignore the ones that don’t fit , or consider them as one-off examples of bad behaviour? Do you attribute more meaning than is appropriate to nuances and subtleties of behaviour that might not signify anything, just as you do to a newborn baby? Or alternatively are those nuances genuine signs of an emergent personality which, although anyone other than the parent wouldn’t spot, are none the less real for that. In an unusually non-sceptical tack I have to admit that I do think there is a fully formed personality there already – and has been for a while.
If it’s hard to pin down what those traits are then that’s okay – I’ve always thought the better you know someone the less sure you can be how they will react in a given situation because real personalities are a lot more subtle and complex than movie archetypes, and if you know someone very well you can see the possibility of them responding in more than one way.
Still, a few aspects of Barney’s personality I think we’ve spotted:
He’s quite stubborn
Now, he rarely shouts and cries to get his way but he does remain resolute and immovable. On the question of food and how much he’s going to eat I think we have to trust him rather than make meal-times arenas for angst. He’ll look you in the eye while he eats mayonnaise or ketchup with his fingers, like a decadent Roman, daring you to challenge him but wanting to show you how bored he is by the very idea of our petty bourgeois manners.
Can be Introverted
While all toddlers need a break from noise and fuss to not get worn out or crazed I think Barney’s limits with people are reached quicker than others – more than lots of kids we know I’d say he likes a bit of private time.
“I play by myself now.”
Partly it’s shyness as when he feels like one of the gang, and welcome, he can be a leader, sometimes even bossy but he tends to be wary about getting involved. From a very young age he was always more reticent than other kids about joining in with dancing and group games so I think it’s a genuine aspect of his personality. Me and Rach are both a bit introverted so the way he acts seems very familiar to us both – and since he was like that from so young it’s hard to imagine that it is learned behaviour. Generally, he takes his time to get used to people – once he knows someone well then he plays really freely with them. And we know from his nursery report that in large noisy groups he doesn’t always speak up with answers, even when the carers know he knows the answer – but in smaller groups he is much bolder. Rach thinks he’s like her and doesn’t enjoy being the centre of attention. If you don’t believe me you try singing karaoke to her at in public. And in fact if I sing a non-nursery rhyme Barney usually says “Stop it, daddy!” too. So there may be something in it.
..But he likes to involve others
He’s a curious mix – although I’ve said he has a touch of the introvert there are lots of things he enjoys more if others are involved and I think it comes from not wanting others to miss out on something good. Even when he was only 1-and-a-bit at food times at the nursery he would say “Come on, come on” and impatiently motion the other kids to join him at the table.
He is apparently usually first to the table too and it has been pointed out to me that greed could be the reason for both these things, for which the finger of blame tends to land on me (but I’m not sure as I wouldn’t give anyone else a chance at the buffet until I’d had a fairly comprehensive sweep).
Funny
He loves to make people laugh! His best joke is falling over, in ways which have become increasingly “dynamic” (by which I mean “frightening for a parent to watch”) as he’s gotten older and better coordinated. He gets a lot of mileage out of this with the girls at nursery and does it to entertain himself at home (falling backwards off his small chair onto the sofa, for example) but his other speciality is facial expressions: peering out from under his mop, frowning for no reason and generally displaying superb comic timing.
So these are some of the things I’m missing the chance to observe for a week, and it feels like a long week. The real Barney you only get to know when you spend time with him and maybe a list, an index of personality traits, doesn’t capture that properly but like the Turing test for machine intelligence I think when the signs are all there you have to concede it’s a real, distinct personality. You have to trust your subjective judgement and I know that during this week I’m missing all sorts of tricks, all sorts of laughs and funny faces, and all sorts of great achievements, like climbing up the steps of the slide all by himself. I’m glad Rach is getting to spend some quality time with him and Barney with her, so that’s good but when it comes to being rational and thinking I’m not missing more than a few hours, it’s really a week with a funny little boy who we’re stating to get to know really well.
Why would you want to be objective about that?
Ah well. Back to dinner for one. And I really must get the place tidied up before the gang get home.
posted by nickcoulter at 4:28 pm
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